A Professor's Guide
To The First Day of Class

1. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
    
2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
    
3. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU!  WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
    
4. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet.  If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
    
5. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
    
6. Pick out random students, ask them questions and time their responses with a stop watch.  Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
    
7. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
    
8. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
    
9. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you  gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
    
10. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture.  Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
    
    
     
11. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
     
12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
     
13. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
     
14. Point the overhead projector at the class.  Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.  Every so often, freeze in mid-sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
     
15. Announce that last year's students have almost  finished their class projects.  You will be covering them in the Fall allowing them time to complete them first.
     
16. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
     
17. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
     
18. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
     
19. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
     
20. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
    
    
     
21. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
     
22. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

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